The presents look lovely
The egg nog looks great
The gingerbread men look like they could dance
I got a great man to date
But there's no toilet paper in the bathroom.
The china is grand
Boy does the silver shine
Love those Christmas phone calls
The decorations of red and green divine
But there's no toilet paper in the bathroom.
The stockings so lovely
The mantel with greens
The smell of the pine boughs
The best scent ever it seems
But there's no toilet paper in the bathroom
And I don't know what to do
But Merry Christmas everyone
Just hope you don't have to poo.
Loving Father, help us to remember the birth
of Jesus, that we may share in the song of the angels,
the gladness of the shepherds,
and the worship of the wise men.
Close the door of hate and
open the door of love all over the world.
Let kindness come with every gift and
good desires with every greeting.
Deliver us from evil by the blessing
which Christ brings, and teach us to
be merry with clear hearts.
May the Christmas morning make us happy
to be Thy children, and the Christmas evening
bring us to our beds with grateful thoughts,
forgiving and forgiven, for Jesus' sake. Amen!
The children lay in bed this special night
Holding their breath with eyes closed tight
They know the magic won't be right
If they are found awake after midnight
Shhh, at last they hear a sound
Tinkering bells in the background
Do they dare open their eyes
And peep out at the dark skies
Will they only see the snow
Or is Santa parked across the road
They hear a creak, is it the door
Or is it the cat creeping across the floor
No this time they know for sure
It definitely was the bedroom door
Not one child dares to breathe
Or make a sound in bed this eve
They knew it was he creeping across the floor
Even quieter than the year before
Will he leave me a doll's house
Some toy soldiers and a sugar mouse
There's a lot of rattling, a creak, a groan
Now he's finally leaving our home
We wait in bed for what seems like hours
Until we're sure the house is ours
Then we are all out of bed
Feeling around to see what's been left
Our sacks are full, O what joy
We have been good girls and boys
We feel around and shake each one
To us Christmas day has begun
But suddenly out of the dark
GET BACK TO BED! The grown-ups bark.
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At this time of year it is patently clear
That the males are the ones who are blest.
Thoughts like "goodwill to men" we hear time and again
And we find them quite hard to digest.
As we women all know, men think they run the show,
And sometimes we allow them this pause.
But it gets on our nerves, like too many hors d'oeuvres
When we want to get at the main course.
Many times out of mind the same problem we find,
Leaving plans to the menfolk is risky.
Christmas spirit they think is some kind of a drink,
Such as vodka, Baccardi, or whiskey.
Since we carry the load, men keep out of our road,
We are ready and willing and able.
For it's perfectly clear, that the stuffed turkeys here
Are not always confined to the table.
The traditional way is now rather passe,
Lets give credit, where credit is due.
Then you'll see, man or boy, in return you'll enjoy
The fruits of OUR goodwill to you.
Dear Husband, It is time that I must have my say,
I've taken your shit day after day.
I've kept the home peaceful year after year
Now there is going to be changes, so listen my dear.
So you're famous, everyone knows your name,
And you're a specialist by gum, in the transport game,
You think you're so grand with your important job.
But I'm telling you my dear you're a worn out old yob
363 days a year,
You sit on your arse drinking scotch, rum and beer,
You claim it is to keep up the shine on your nose
So Santa can see where he bloodywell goes.
One night a year is all that you work,
You and your eight reisty mates - they're all jerks.
Dasher and Dancer - Speed freaks I say,
The sleigh wouldn't go that quick any other way.
Prancer and Vixen - Just cheap little tarts,
But they look like angels once Comet starts.
Cupids on some freaked out damned power trip,
And Donner...well, she should just get a damned grip
And Blitzen, I almost don't need to say,
Is here getting blitzed with you every day.
All of these years at the front of the sled,
Has gone, I'm afraid, to your crusty old head.
You're a layabout and a drunkard, with a big shiny nose,
And a weakness for elves in black pantyhose.
I'm telling you husband that one Christmas song,
Has made you think that you can do no wrong.
So this year while your out with old Santa's sled,
I am eloping, my dear, with your friend - Mr. Ed
Merry Christmas to the one I love,
Even on this day of love for all,
Remembering the love of one whose call
Redeemed all those whose hearts his love might move.
Yet only one love does my spirit prove,
Chosen in a passion like a squall,
Having in such ecstasy withal
Rejoiced in what we were created of.
In such love do we find our way outdoors,
So to be drawn to love of flesh and soul,
Traveling beyond our village green,
Moving towards the wash along our shores
As our love joins the greater love unseen,
Shining with dark passion on the whole.
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Poems and rhymes